High-wire Fairytale
by hobbitsdoitbetter
Summary: The heart is an arrow, it requires aim to land true. But when it comes to Kaz Brekker, Inej's sense of aim always seems to abandon her. Stuck with the pain and fallout from her past, Inej must decide what she wants from her future... And whether that future includes a certain Ketterdam crime boss. Rated T, that may change. Murder babies in love, lads!
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: _This fan fiction is not written for profit, and no infringement of copyright is intended. This is my first time working in this universe, so I'm hoping I get these wonderful characters right. Set post _Crooked Kingdom, _and Kanej all the way, baby! Enjoy!

* * *

**HIGH WIRE FAIRYTALE**

_\- Complicated -_

* * *

It's Inej's mother, who sets her thinking about it.

Inej's mother, whose eyes still see everything, and whose mind is still as taut and direct as the tightrope she walked in her youth.

They're sitting in her caravan, drinking tea and exchanging gossip after another three months at sea when Mama asks, far too casually, after Kaz.

_How is he? Has he been in touch since they met him? Has he been to visit Inej on The Wraith? _

Despite herself, Inej feels her cheeks heat. She tells herself she doesn't know why.

She tries to hide it by pouring more tea, but of course her mother notices. (She always does.)

"Has he… Have you had a falling out?" Mama asks gently and Inej shakes her head, unsure why her mother's tone is making her uncomfortable.

"He has business to attend to, Mama," she points out. The words seem stilted. "And getting letters to me at sea is difficult: I have to be careful who knows of my movements."

Her mother nods. "Because of what you do now. Of course." The words sound curt, but they are not meant that way. Inej knows that her mother approves, somewhat, of her daughter's calling: she lost a child to slavers, after all, and few parents got the happy reunion that she had.

_She also raised her daughter to stand up for what she believes. _

But her mother is also clearly curious about what her daughter went through in Ketterdam, and the part Kaz Brekker may have played in it. While Papa is determined in his efforts to avoid talking about what happened to Inej in the years between her disappearance and their reunion, her mother is anxious to do so. Inej thinks it's because she wants to show her daughter that it doesn't matter to her what she had done to survive. _She wants her to know that she is still her little girl. _The only problem with that being that Inej isn't ready to talk with her mother, not about Tante Heleen or her life as The Wraith, and certainly not to talk about Kaz Brekker…

_There are still so many elements of her life with The Dregs that she doesn't know how to explain. _

And so they ended up with moments like this, Inej thinks, awkward moments where her mother- with the best of intentions- tries to pry and Inej, with the best of intentions, tries to discourage her.

_Where are Jasper and Nina when you need them? _She muses. _They would have provided excellent cover for her, by now. _

At the thought of her friends Inej feels a pang, the pain of their loss still fresh. While she might see Jasper whenever she goes back to Ketterdam, she suspects that she might never see Nina again. _The Saints only know what losing Matthias had done to her. _Her mother must read her expression because she reaches out and takes her hand. Squeezes it.

"I am sure that wherever he is," she says softly, "he still thinks of you, my love."

Inej blinks, surprised. "I'm not thinking about Kaz," she says quietly.

Her mother cocks an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Inej shoots her the sort of look which made Ketterdam criminals quail. It merely makes her mother smile. "I am quite capable of living my life without Kaz Brekker, mother," she says primly, at which her mother's smile widens.

"I do not doubt it, daughter," she says. "The question is: do you want to?"

She frowns. "I don't know."

It's only when the words fall out of her mouth that she realizes they're true, just as she realizes she wanted to speak them. She meets her mother's eyes and the older woman leans back, waiting. She is prepared, Inej realizes, to let her take her time. Her own words rattle around inside her brain: the question of Kaz and her feelings for him have sat sat crouching on her heart like a toad ever since she left Ketterdam, and she's no closer to having an answer now than she was then. _Perhaps she __**should **__at least try to discuss her feelings with someone besides NIna. _ The heart is an arrow, she remembers her own words from long ago: It requires aim to land true.

_But when it comes to Kaz Brekker, her sense of aim always seems to abandon her. _

"Would it help to know that we would approve?" Her mother asks in the silence, and when Inej rushes to say that she's not even thinking that far ahead, the older woman shakes her head. "I don't mean as a husband, though we would be happy to have him," she says. "I mean in… other ways."

Inej looks at her warily. She knows well the traditional Suli opinion of relationships outside of marriage. "Such as?"

Her mother's eyes are so understanding, it hurts a little to look at them.

"Such as… Any way you want." When Inej tries to speak over her, she hurries on. "I've heard the stories," she says quietly. "I know why you were taken, and what sort of place you were sold to." She squeezes her daughter's hand in sympathy, but it doesn't take the sting out of the words. "If you- If you found a way out, and if Kaz was that way out, then I wouldn't blame you-"

"Don't ever speak of him like that again."

Inej doesn't know where the depth of anger in the words comes from, she just knows it's somewhere deep. For a moment she is reminded of Per Haskell, and when she had to persuade him not to smash her legs. That same helpless rage bubbles up inside her.

Her mother stares at her in horror: she's never heard her speak that way before.

"I meant no disrespect," she stammers, and for a moment she stares at her daughter as if she's a stranger.

_For a moment Inej feels like she is. _

But then she sighs. Stands. Tries to marshall her temper. Her mother is trying to help, she reminds herself. She couldn't know how little Kaz has in common with the people she was sold to. She doesn't. And she is seeking reassurance, perhaps, in the lack of knowing what Inej went through.

_It is just her mother's way. _

Taking a deep breath, Inej forces herself to sit down and take the older woman's hands.

_She did not rediscover her parents after all these years, only to lose one of them now. _

"Kaz wasn't a client," she says softly. She meets her mother's eyes. "Kaz _never_ would have been a client, believe me."

Her mother frowns. "So you mean he likes boys-"

Inej is well aware that he probably does, (she had seen how he looked at Jasper) but she is not discussing Kaz's business with her mother. "No, I mean that he doesn't use the houses," she says. "Not ever. He wouldn't, even before-" She checks herself, reminds herself what her parents do and do not know about his business. "Even before The Crow Club," she finishes, because that seems safe, "Kaz didn't use the houses."

"So you weren't..?"

Inej shakes her head. "Never. And he certainly didn't do everything he has for me because we were… Because we were like that." She grimaces at the thought. "Kaz has always treated me as a person, not a thing to be bought," she says softly. "That… That is why I care about him."

She can't bring herself to be more graphic than that. She prays to her Saints that her mother won't ask her to be.

"So he wasn't..?"

"He wasn't."

Her mother taps her lip. "And yet he clearly thinks the world of you," she says.

Despite everything, Inej feels a little puff of joy at the words.

"I hope so," she says quietly.

_She does not add that she thinks the world of him. _

Her mother squeezes her hand. "So, are you and he..?"

Mercifully, she doesn't elaborate.

Inej shrugs, unsure how to respond. "We're… friends," she says softly. "At least, I believe we are. We- He-" She sighs. "It's complicated," she says, aware that this might be the understatement of the century.

Her mother snorts in wry amusement and Inej looks at her askance.

"I rather thought it might be." She smiles slightly. "He had the look of a complicated one- Just like your father." And before Inej can say anything else she stands. Walks over to a corner of the caravan and pulls out something. It turns out to be a small flagon of _shavra, _the sweet brandy which Suli mothers sometimes share over a game of cards.

_The scent of it immediately brings Inej back to her childhood. _

She looks at it in surprise- it's something only shared between adult, married women, she knows- but before she can say anything more her mother pours her a nip into the lid and hands it to her. "Sometimes it helps loosen the tongue," she says softly. Again her eyes soften, so painful Inej doesn't want to look at them. "And sometimes it helps loosen the heart… Perhaps that would help."

Cautiously, Inej sniffs the liquid then takes a sip. It burns as it slides down her throat, but it doesn't taste anything like the alcohol in Tante Heleen's, nor any of the other drinks in Ketterdam.

It tastes sweet, like home. Like it's hers.

For some reason, Kaz's tea-brown eyes flash into her head and she tries to push the image away.

"You won't tell Papa?" She asks and her mother shakes her head.

"You think he wants to know we're having this conversation?" She asks, and Inej must admit that's true.

So she sits down and takes another sip of her _shavra. _Shares some with her mother.

Slowly, slowly, she starts talking about what she feels for Kaz Brekker, and what she hopes he feels for her.

Her mother merely listens, holding her hand long into the night.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: _This fan fiction is not written for profit, and no infringement of copyright is intended. Kanej all the way but note **this chapter contains refences to sexual trauma, as well as ptsd and sexual thoughts.** Basically it's pre smut so be warned. I want Inej to reclaim her sexuality after all the crap she's been through so voila.

* * *

**HIGH WIRE FAIRYTALE**

_\- Free -_

* * *

She thinks about Kaz that night, as she lies in her childhood bed and stares up at the caravan ceiling.

She thinks about him, and she thinks about what her mother said, and what she said, and what she said she _wants_, and the thoughts go around and around until they make her temples ache. Until they make her chest tighten in frustration. Until they make her want to scream.

_Saints, _she finds herself thinking, _even when he's not around he's infuriating. _

An image pops into her head, Nina grinning smugly at her the first time she caught her staring at Kaz as he changed his shirt, and Inej forces the thought fiercely away.

For she has no time for this, she tells herself. She's the captain of The Wraith now: She's made a new life for herself away from Ketterdam, away from the pleasure houses. Away from her past. She is every slaver's nightmare, the protector of innocents and the means of their vengeance. _She is, more than ever, a legend. _And because of that she has no need to revisit sex, or affection, or the various injuries and humiliations which her time at The Menagerie had subjected her to-

Her mother had told her- _as had Nina, and Jesper, and even, saints help her, Kaz_\- that she's free. Free.

_So why, _Inej muses, _don't I feel __**free**__? _

She stares into the darkness, willing herself to face the answer to that question though she knows it frightens her as little else has.

For in the quietest moments of the night she finds herself remembering a hotel bathroom, and the feeling of Kaz's lips against her shoulder. She finds herself picturing amber-brown eyes, and hands always coated in gloves. A voice like gravel against her spine. Thin shoulders. Angular features. A silhouette, a huff of breath that might be a boy and oh but she wants him.

_She wants him so much_.

Inej squirms at the admission, trying to make her peace with it. Trying not to let it frighten her. For she could kiss that boy, she knows she could. She could fill her arms with him, her heart with him. She could take him to her bed, she thinks, and be happy to have him there. The thought of doing so sets something low and warm tingling in her belly. And yet every time she imagines having Kaz, every time she images doing anything about her feelings or his, her body betrays her. It turns on her. Despite all her time away from Tante Heleene, she can't help how she reacts: Tremors take over, breath snatched from her chest. Her throat. A fear so strong she's ashamed to let anyone but her mother see cuts through every ounce of strength she possesses until Inej Ghafa, terror of Ketterdam and feared captain of The Wraith, begins to panic. _Panic_.

All is terror- Hurt- Memory wrapped in anguish-

_How many nights did she spend in The Menagerie, _she finds herself thinking. _How many nights did she spend, pretending to be alive? _

Sometimes she finds herself unable to breathe, rocking herself tightly. Holding herself as if she might shatter apart and she's horrified at the thought that she might.

_Saints, _she finds herself thinking, _saints help me, saints __**save**_ _me- _

It makes her so angry even now, so raw and hurt, to remember that she will not be saved.

_And yet… _

Inej knows that her emotions are her strength: she has seen enough people who look upon their heart as a curse, or a weakness. She will not be one of them. If Kaz were not in the picture, she reminds herself, then she might well sail through the rest of her life without any of this. She might sidestep love, and lust, and all the things they're tangled up with throughout her life. She might live a happy, celibate existence and never think to count romance a loss.

She might be free in a very different way, were Kaz no longer in her life.

_But Kaz __**is**_ _in her life_, she reminds herself. _Kaz is in the picture, because you want him there. _And the truth is that Inej wants him to stay there more than she wants to be free of him, or safe from the memories her feelings trigger. She wants him. She wants him so much that she wants to face her past. Her future. With him. _For_ him.

_You love him, _Mama had told her tonight, and even though she hadn't spoken the words aloud Inej knows them to be true.

And so slowly, slowly Inej closes her eyes now. Slowly, slowly she lets her mother's words sink into her. She lets them resonate in the same place where her sense of balance lies. In the dark, in her bed, she finally allows herself to think of Kaz. Lets herself think of his mouth. His eyes. His hands, and what she might want them to do to her. She knows he has his own terrors, his own armor, but if she wishes to see him without it she must try to remove hers too. _It's the least she can do. _The panic starts, rises, but she accepts that it will. Rides it out. And then she tries again. Imagines again.

Leather-clad hands against her skin, she lets herself picture it.

Leather-clad hands, soothing her body, his voice against the shell of her ear, she lets herself imagine that too. A breath, an inhalation and her muscles loosen,

Slowly, a trickle of gold and heat slivers into her.

_The Wraith smiles in the darkness, and thinks of the boy who's waiting for her… _

The pleasure is a small thing, when it comes, but at least it's a start.


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: this fanfiction is not written for profit and no infringement of copyright is intended._

* * *

_-Gifts-_

* * *

The letter arrives, of course, at the worst possible time.

_This is Ketterdam, after all. _

Kaz is meeting with The Black Tips' spider, Mali, when Anika taps lightly on his door. She clears her throat and walks to his side, the envelope angled in her hand in such a way that Kaz can see the small black spider drawn on its back, but Mali can't.

He recognizes Inej's mark and it's only years of practice that keep him from visibly reacting.

"For you, boss," Anika says, tipping him a small, flirtatious smile and tucking it into his inside jacket pocket. "Let me know what you need done." She then saunters away, looking pleased with herself and causing Mali to cock an eyebrow at the Dregs' boss.

"I'd say I might be mistaken about the subject of our conversation," Mali grins, "but if any of that were real then I wouldn't have gotten to see it, now would I?"

"I don't know what you mean." Though Mali snorts in laughter Kaz staples his hands before his face, his expression as implacable as ever. All he wants to do right now is order the girl out of his rooms and read the note, find out what trouble Inej might be in that would lead to her reaching out to him, but he can't.

A more pressing danger to Inej is sitting before him, batting her eyelashes and grinning innocently.

He means to deal with that first.

So, rather than saying anything about the letter he tightens his grip on his cane and turns his attention to the matter at hand- Namely the price Mali claims The Black Tips have put on Inej's head, and the fact that she has been ordered to personally collect it, going toe to toe with The Wraith in the process.

It would be a fight to the death, and the thief has no doubt who would come out alive in such a scenario. Kaz doesn't either.

_Which suggests that her boss is rather more interested in getting rid of Mali than in getting rid of Inej, hence her journey to The Slat. _

The girl might be many things, but she doesn't appear to be stupid.

"Say I were to believe you," Kaz says slowly. "What do you think I would do?" He shrugs, expression nonchalant. "I keep to the gang rules, just like everyone else in The Barrel.

Word gets out that I'm helping a turncoat and there would be hell to pay."

Not, Kaz knows, that The Dregs and Dirty Hands couldn't handle it, but still.

Mali rolls her eyes. "Nobody expects you to play by the rules, Brekker," she says. "Especially not when it comes to the pirate everyone knows you bankroll." Kaz cocks an eyebrow at the allegation, oddly insulted on Inej's behalf, and Mali has the good sense to colour and look away. "Besides, if anyone wanted to disagree with you…" she says more quietly, "well, I'm sure they'd be welcome to try. Welcome to try, and welcome to lose."

Kaz inclines his head politely at her words.

She is, after all, only stating the truth.

"So what do you want from me, then?"

He stares hard at Mali.

The girl meets his gaze for longer than most, but even she looks away before she speaks.

"I want to disappear," she says quietly. "I want The Wraith- or one of the other Dregs- to kill me, or at least make it look like they did. And then I want to start again, somewhere else. Somewhere better." She sighs. "Ghezen, but I hate this city," she mutters under her breath, hands fisting together at her sides.

Kaz honestly agrees: Ketterdam made him all he is. That being said-

"What do you have to offer me?" He says. "Surely you don't expect me to help you out of the goodness of my heart?" He smiles, a sharp, knifelike thing. "Because if you do then I don't think you've been paying attention."

Mali shakes her head. "I can offer you this information," she says but even as she speaks Kaz is dismissing her.

"You're telling me a gang boss who deals in slaves wants to kill The Wraith: You might as well tell me that the Council Of Merchants likes money. It's stating the obvious- And if it's your main negotiating point then you've already given it away." He shrugs at her outraged expression. "Fortunately for The Dregs, we don't traffick in people, and therefore an interruption to that supply line doesn't cost _us_ money." His smile turns beatific. "If only our counterparts like The Black Tips were as enlightened as we, then they wouldn't be in this situation.

As it is, there's nothing to profit me in getting involved."

Mali rises, shaking her head. "So you're not going to help me?"

She sounds somewhere between hopeless and angry.

Kaz cocks an eyebrow. "Did you really think that I would, with so little reward?" Another smile. "Again, I don't think you've been paying attention."

"Clearly not." For a moment the girl flinches, shoulders coming apart as if cleaved in two by a knife. Her face floods with pain, but when Kaz doesn't soften at the act she straightens up and a light comes into her eyes. Something dark. Something knowing.

_Now this, Kaz can do business with. _

"Per Tomasz didn't come up with this plan on his own," she says.

Kaz's tone is unimpressed. "Once again, you are stating the obvious."

Mali crosses her arms over her chest. "The backer is big," she says. "Bigger than a gang boss, bigger than The Black Tips. I know who it is, and if you help me then I'll give you the name."

Kaz narrows his eyes at her. "And what makes you think I won't beat it out of you?" He asks calmly.

It would, in fairness, be the more logical choice.

This time Mali meets his gaze. "Because it makes more sense to keep someone on the inside until you can deal with this, than tip my boss off that you know and set him on another plan," she says. "And beating it out of me would stain your suit."

_So, _Kaz thinks, I was right: _she __**isn't **__stupid. _

"You'd turn spy?"

She nods. "If it doesn't work out then you can turn me into The Black Tips," she says. "But if it does…"

She lets the words hang on the air as Kaz looks at her.

Eventually, she starts to move towards the door.

Her meaning is clear.

"You'll pay us for sourcing a corpse," Kaz says calmly, just as her hand touches the door handle, "and if any of this turns out to be false then rest assured, it won't be The Wraith you'll need to worry about."

Mali nods, her expression solemn, and Kaz gets to his feet. Gestures roughly to the door.

"Make sure that Anika is seen kicking you out," he says. She nods again: it's the only explanation for her being here. "I'll let her throw the first punch," she says, "and I'll make sure it's outdoors." A small grin. "I've heard she has a glass hand anyway."

Kaz snorts. "You heard wrong- As you're about to find out. Go."

And with that he turns back to his desk, his message implicit. Mali isn't foolish enough to push him. Rather she darts through the door, down the stairs. In another moment the sounds of a brawl can be heard throughout The Slat- Or at least they would be, if Kaz weren't otherwise occupied. For there's a letter from Inej in his hand, and that takes all of his attention-

By the time Mali is bleeding in the dirt outside The Slat he's already dismissed her from his thoughts.

* * *

Inej had agonised- agonised- over what to send Kaz.

It should have been simple- and face to face it would have been- but something about putting her desires into writing had made them seem ever more mortifying. What might have been communicated with a whisper and a look, a hand upon his, that didn't fit into words, and especially not into _Kerch_. The language of sentiment, it was not.

In the end, Inej had had to write the letter out in Suli and then translate it.

There were five translations.

The process had made her feel like an idiot.

Eventually she had binned them all and just penned a short note, hoping that Kaz would read between the lines. He usually did, after all.

_Kaz, _it read. _I wish you to visit me on The Wraith. Make plans to sleep here. And bring your gloves, if you please. _

_Inej_

The moment she pulls into Ketterdam Harbour and sees him waiting at the dock, her heart fills.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: This fanfiction is not written for profit and no infringement of copyright is intended. Not beta read so all mistakes are mine. And now, onwards my murderbabies! Inwards!

* * *

_-Expectations-_

* * *

He 's waiting for her when The Wraith makes anchor.

He stands still as a statue on the dock, his dark suit impeccable, the crow-headed walking stick held to his side like a sword. He radiates a predatory, gleaming sort of stillness which Inej suspects is meant to intimidate, though whether this is for her crew's benefit or any other watching eyes, Inej doesn't know. At his feet is a small leather travel case and, as requested in her letter, he is wearing his gloves-

Their eyes meet and despite herself Inej feels her cheeks heat.

Kaz cocks an eyebrow but says nothing.

When she leaps from the ship's prow to the ground he merely inclines his head. "What business, Wraith?" His eyes stray to her mainly female crew, standing behind their captain and quite clearly sizing him up.

Inej doubts anyone else would notice it, but he almost imperceptibly straightens.

"Not here," Inej answers before turning to the crew. "Three days in Ketterdam," she says. "Try not to lose all your money and be wary where you drink- The Wraith's reputation will have travelled before us." A small smile at Kaz. "I recommend The Crow Club, myself."

"I should bloody hope so," Rhi, a small Kaelish woman who serves as the ship's bosun mutters. The crew around her laugh in agreement as they troop, rather pointedly, down the gangplank which Inej had ignored in favor of leaping down right in front of Kaz.

Each woman shoots Kaz a pointed look as they pass which he bears with surprising good grace- _After all, he's seen that look often enough from Jasper and Nina. _

When the crew are off the ship and dispersing into the city- and before Inej can let her nerves get the better of her- she gestures to the gangplank. "Come aboard," she says, turning onto it without waiting to hear his answer. She hears the creak of his steps behind her and smiles to realize that he followed without a word. _How strange it is, to be giving orders to him. _Once onboard she pulls up the plank, nodding to Rotti (the only remaining crew member) before gesturing to her cabin-

This time he lets her see his surprise but she has too much to do to dwell on it.

"You can wait in there, Kaz," she says. "There's food, and a place to store your things." Again she sees surprise flicker across his face but she rushes on. "Rotti will come with us as far as Ladies' Lament, and then he's heading off to see his family." She leans in, adding softly, "Once he's gone, we'll have the ship to ourselves."

"Alright, Captain."

Kaz's tone is reticent but Inej knows she's about the only person he would permit to treat him this way and so they do not mention it. Rather, she reaches out and takes his hand. Squeezes it.

The leather is soft and familiar against her skin.

"I'll only be a few minutes," she murmurs. "Ladies' Lament isn't far." Kaz nods and wordlessly makes his way towards her cabin, his bag hefted over his shoulder. When Inej looks back at Rotti he's grinning and she gives into temptation. Sticks out her tongue at him.

At this her first mate laughs.

"About time," he says and then turns back to his work, making the ship ready for the short journey to Ladies' Lament Island, the furthest Island in Ketterdam Bay and the nearest to the mainland. It's boggy and uninhabited, save for a ruined artillery tower and what had once been a Temple of Barter, and Inej is hoping that it will provide The Wraith with a suitable degree of seclusion to carry through on her plans.

_If nothing else, _she muses, _she can at least be certain that none of the other Dregs will know to come looking for their boss there. _

At the thought, the realisation that she is going to finally be alone with Kaz, possibly for the first time since his giving her her ship, that fluttering heart of hers erupts. It feels less like a butterfly and more like a seahawk, powerful wings bursting into flight. Inej focuses on her hands, wills them to steadiness. She needs to get her ship ready, she reminds herself, and to do that she needs to concentrate. Anything else can wait until later, _must_ wait until later…

She turns to see Kaz standing at the door of her cabin, his expression unreadable, but she still goes back to her work.

* * *

By the time they get to Ladies Lament Kaz is ready to hit something- Or at least smack it with his cane.

It's not merely that Inej is in such trouble that she's unwilling to discuss it with her crew. It's not even that she feels the need to take him from Ketterdam if she's to even explain what's going on. It's the fact that, like the idiot he apparently now is, Kaz can't seem to concentrate on the business his Wraith is about to put before him: Instead he's distracted.

Distracted by the sight of her, windswept and lithe after her time at sea. Distracted by the sound of her voice, loud now and confident. Distracted by the scent of leather and apples and salt which clings to her skin. He's even distracted by the way she's looking at him: It's making his throat tighten and his pulse quicken.

He feels as uncertain as a little boy, as heavy-footed as a mark, and he hates it.

And none of this, he reminds himself sharply, none of this is helpful. None of this is going to keep Inej safe or get her what she wants, the reason which (he's sure) has prompted her to summon him. So while he sits in her cabin and eats some of the food she laid out, while he waits for them to reach Ladies' Lament and for Rotti to bugger off so they can get to business, he paces.

It's not a good habit, not for someone with a limp.

It's also not exactly soothing either, given how small and cramped Inej's quarters are.

Nevertheless, he keeps it up. Five paces across, five paces back. Three paces to the door and the same again to the bed. He treks it, over and over again as he watches the water race by from the porthole above Inej's desk. The ship creaks, his leg aches, but he tries to ignore it. His heart, useless podge that it is, beats tightly in his chest and bloody hell but he wishes that he could ignore that too.

Unfortunately, it seems he can't.

Eventually though he hears Rotti call out, sees the boat slow and land come into view. Quicker than he would have imagined The Wraith is anchored, no longer moving, and when the door to Inej's cabin opens she is alone.

"Rotti sends his best," she says, shutting the door behind her. She taps lightly against the wood at the door and two small lamps, Grisha-made, flicker into life over her bed.

_She's smiling, and oh but it is beautiful. _

Kaz nods, feeling uncomfortable. In this room with its palpable _Inejness_, he feels wrong footed. Out of sorts. Ghezen, he would like to smack something, but he doesn't want to break anything of Inej's (and if he did, she'd kill him).

"What business, Wraith?" He says instead, the words harsher than he intended.

Despite that Inej smiles. Gestures to the bench built into the area before her porthole. "Take a seat."

To his surprise she slips off her shoes as he does so and begins to unpin her hair.

Kaz watches, having to remind himself to close his mouth and not let it hang open as that long rope of braid slowly begins to unfurl.

By the time she's done a veil of thick, black silk is hanging down Inej's back, close enough to touch. To feel.

It glints in the low light of the cabin.

"I wanted to speak to you alone," she's saying, and he drags his attention back to her face. _He'd read somewhere that the only time a Suli woman is supposed to let her hair loose is around her husband: surely he must have imagined that?_ "I'm sorry that I gave you so little warning," she continues, "but given how… quickly things progressed, I didn't want to keep you in the dark."

"Of course."

By now she's turned back to him, her feet bare and her hair down. She walks towards him, hesitant somehow, and he frowns. Makes to stand. She shakes her head though, gestures to him to stay seated. She comes to a halt before him, staring down into his eyes with a look of odd concentration; her hands reach out, bare, and she brings them to rest on his high-necked black waistcoat. Presses her hands flat against the buttons at his throat and he swallows. Takes a deep breath.

She steps between his parted knees and Kaz feels his throat tighten.

"Do you…" She sighs, shakes her head to herself.

Without his willing them to, his gloved hands have come up to press on top of her bare ones.

"What is it, Wraith?" He asks and again she shakes her head. Moves closer to him.

"Can you call me Inej?" She asks, voice oddly shy, and as he says yes she takes a deep breath. Uses her hands to move his fingers from their place at his chest to settled on her hips. Strong and lithe and narrow, they fill his hands. Warm them. Kaz frowns- _Whatever he expected from this meeting, he didn't expect this_. When he looks up at her though she doesn't seem upset, or uncertain. No, she meets his gaze with openness and leans her body against his, being careful to only press against those places where his skin is covered in clothing.

It feels wonderful.

"Is this ok?" She asks quietly and he breathes out a small, "yes."

She takes one of his gloved hands and presses it to her breast. "Is this ok?"

Again he murmurs a yes.

It comes to Kaz then, a great deal later than it should have. The wanting to see him alone. The mysterious trek to Ladies' Lament. Her hair being down, her feet bare.

_I will have you without armour, Kaz Brekker, or I will not have you at all. _

"Inej," he says quietly, "Why did you bring me here?"

Her cheeks colour and she bites her lip, but still she meets his gaze. "I wanted to be alone with you, Kaz," she says simply. Again that small smile. "I didn't want to do this in The Slat, or with my crew listening. I didn't want to share you." A beat. "Is that alright?"

"Of course." Despite himself he smiles. Leans his forehead carefully against her belly. "It's more than alright."

Though it's unexpected Kaz can't bring himself to be angry at her. Had she tried to warn him what she wanted then he would have spent the two weeks since her letter tying himself into knots, worrying about what he could and couldn't bring himself to do. Here though, now though, on their own and with nobody around, he finds that he can speak. He can breathe.

He's not afraid to try, not with her.

"You know there are things I'm not ready for, don't you?" He says quietly.

She nods. Sliding her hands into his hair she tilts his head up to look at her. "There are things I'm not ready for too," she says quietly. "It's alright to not be ready." She leans down, presses a kiss to his crown, his hair protecting him from the skin-to-skin contact that he both dreads and craves from her.

Without his quite willing hem too, his arms slide around her hips, tightening in response.

"So, now that you've kidnapped me and secured me in your cabin, Captain Ghafa," Kaz says, "What do you intend to do with me?"

Inej opens her mouth to answer him, that smile he loves tugging at her lip, but before she can answer his question every light in her cabin goes out.


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: This fanfiction is not written for profit and no infringement of copyright is intended. Not beta read so all mistakes are mine. _

* * *

**_Choice of Marks_**

* * *

Both of them freeze when the lights go out.

For a moment, a buzzing, foolish, heartstopping moment, Inej doesn't register the change. Not with Kaz so near. Not with Kaz so _willing_. Her body is singing with having him near. But then- _Then-_

She hears a thud, oddly light feet moving across her deck, and sense returns. The ship is in darkness, something is wrong_.She'd set the alarms herself before docking: if the lights have gone out, The Wraith has been breached._ Kaz pulls back from her, looks at her askance. She nods once and he pulls away from her. Reaches for his cane. Quietly he gets to his feet and suddenly Inej's Kaz is gone-

_Dirtyhands is standing before her. _

He meets her eyes and something, something delicious and dangerous pulls taut inside her skin.

He motions towards the deck above and Inej nods. Climbs silently onto her bed. She reaches across her bunk and slides her fingers deftly into the secret compartment located there: when it pops open she takes out her pistols and her new climbing slippers. Hands the other object within to Kaz.

It's an unwieldy-looking pair of goggles.

Kaz cocks a cynical eyebrow at her but takes them nonetheless. _We call them See All's, _she mouths. _I bought them from a Fabrikator in Novi Zem. Put them on and you can see in the dark. _As she'd known he would be, Kaz looks intrigued at this bit of news: she watches him fit the goggles over his face, adjusting the eyepieces, and sees the moment she realises they work.

_I want one, _he mouths and she has to smile.

_Now I know what to buy you for your Name Day, _she says.

More sounds from above bring their banter to a halt; whoever- or whatever- is up there, they're moving towards the cabin stairs and if they come into Inej's room then both she and Kaz will be cornered.

_Not if I have anything to say about it, _Inej thinks.

Again her eyes go to Kaz. Again he nods.

With brisk efficiency she secures the pistols to her hips, slips on her climbing shoes. Counts off her knives. _All but Sankta Alina are in place_. As quietly as she can, she unlocks the porthole to her cabin, pushing it open. At seeing this Kaz begins to make his way towards the stairs to the deck. _He's to be the bait. _He moves quietly, but not as quietly as he could do- Giving the impression of a man trying for stealth rather than one actually achieving it.

_No mourners, _he mouths to her as he pushes open her door. Starts on the steps up to the deck.

_No funerals, _Inej answers before swinging herself out of the porthole and starting to scale The Wraith's hull.

The sudden coldness of the wind whips her hair and raises goose-flesh on her arms but the light lapping of the water covers any sound of her ascent. Carefully, carefully she climbs: Above there's a full moon and while she's thankful for the light she knows that it will help whoever's decided to try raiding her ship too. _At least Kaz has the See All's to counter his lack of familiarity with the ship. _As she thinks this she reaches the lip of the hull, peeks carefully above it. The deck appears to be empty, no sound to be heard but the water and the wind and the creaking of wood while her never-silent ship drowses. She can just make out Kaz's head, poking above the stairs to her cabin and looking carefully about; his gaze is on the deck, as if he can see something that Inej cannot. She's about to ask him what when she hears a whip of wings, feels a draft of wind press her back as something dart towards him-

There's a grunt of pain as Kaz swings his cane viciously, once, twice, and then suddenly-Suddenly Kaz has been grabbed from the deck. Pulled aloft.

His cane clatters noisily against the deck, blood spattered against the crow head, as a female Khergud warrior picks him up and drags him into the air.

She takes to the sky like a monster from a fairytale, the metal of her wings flashing in the milky moonlight.

Kaz struggles but it makes little difference: The Khergud holds him a bird of prey might, one arm locked across his throat, the other digging metallic talons into his side. Making him bleed. The red of it is staining her claws like rust, darkening her crimson tunic. A couple of drops of it spatter The Wraith's deck, gore against the wood. She's making towards the rigging, shaking Kaz and hissing at him even as he tosses his weight against her, tries to knock her off-course-

The Khergud retaliates by twisting the talon in his side again, more deeply this time.

It makes Kaz grunt in pain. _Kaz_, who seems to believe that bleeding is beneath him.

More blood spatters onto the deck below them and Inej sees red.

For a split second her rage is so burning-bright that it makes Inej breathless. _That Khergud __**thing **__will not deprive her of her Kaz. _She launches herself towards the rigging, scaling it with the speed which only familiarity can bring. Kaz's eyes meet hers and she can see the pain there, as well as the determination. This isn't some frightened farmer the Khergud is dealing with, those eyes seem to say: _This is Kaz Brekker and she is The Wraith. _The Khergud follows Kaz's gaze, distracted to see Inej bearing down on her and as she does Kaz seizes his chance. Smashes the back of his skull into her nose before deliberately tangling his free arm and legs in the rigging, making it impossible to pull him away-

The Khergud's wings momentarily stop beating and she dips, stunned perhaps, or blinded by what Kaz did to her, Inej isn't sure- _Nor does it matter. _

The Khergud twists and turns, her wings coiling in the rigging as she tries to right herself but she's moving so jerkily and she still has Kaz so Inej doesn't want to risk taking her out with a pistol shot.

Instead Inej darts close, climbing above the Khergud like the spider she once was and sliding Sankt Petyr from her forearm.

_All things considered, it seems somewhat fitting. _

The Khergud knows where she is and she's clever: while she can't get free from the ropes she holds Kaz before her like a shield. When Inej feints at her she swings him into Inej's blow and only The Wraith's legendary control stops her from slashing Kaz's flesh. Kaz kicks and struggles in her grasp, tries to knock his skull into the Khergud's nose again but this time she's wise to it. She cocks her head out of the way and digs her claw more sharply into his side.

"Be quiet," she hisses in heavily accented Kerch, something which merely makes Kaz sneer at her.

"Make me," he hisses back, grinning through his pain.

Inej feints at the Khergud again, and again she uses Kaz as a shield. This time Inej does cut him, something which makes her heart clench in her chest. The Khergud's wings are still tangled in the rigging, however, and this movement merely makes that tangling worse.

_She doesn't seem to realise what a danger she's in_.

Before she has a chance to realise to do so Inej slips Sankt Petyr from her forearm and swings it wildly. As she does so she kicks her leg out, near to Kaz's free hand, trusting that he will remember just what she keeps in her boot. He does; those clever fingers slide down, grasp and pull out Sankt Vladimir. With a satisfied grunt he takes the blade and digs it into the Khergud's thigh. Twists it viciously. The creature snarls in pain, reaching her free hand for the blade; in that momentary distraction Inej drives Sankt Petyr downwards and digs it into the Khergud's momentum of the blow sends the knife slicing downwards, splitting the Khergud's flesh from chin to breastplate, the impact travelling up Inej's arm as the knife makes contact with bone and the Khergud bleeds out.

"I'll drop him."

The Khergud's words are croaked, and they're addressed to Inej.

"Go on, then." This from Kaz who's grinning bloodily at the thought that his captor believes him afraid. "I'm already a cripple: how much worse do you think you can do?"

"Enough." Inej leans into the blade, puts her weight into it. She knows, after all, that these soldiers do not die easily and she has no intention of letting this one walk away from this fight to try again. She will not endanger her Kaz like that. As she does so she checks Kaz's grip on the rigging; it seems enough to take his weight. _He's not going to be falling anywhere_. The Khergud's wings twitch, her limbs spasm and then she releases her grip on Kaz, lashing out one last time at Inej before her head drops and her eyes close.

It's obvious she's stopped breathing.

With a laugh Kaz pulls himself fully out of her grip and rams his foot more surely into the rigging.

While he might have difficulty getting down he's still in one piece and for that Inej can only feel relief.

"Well done, Wraith," he says. Carefully he leans down, pulls Sankt Vladimir out of the Khergud's thigh and makes to hand it back to her.

Perhaps its the sudden pain, perhaps it's one last moment of defiance but the Khergud rears up. Lashes out with those metallic claws of hers.

They slash through the ropes that Kaz is standing on as if they're made of butter, slicing him open across his thigh for good measure.

Again he grunts in pain.

Before Inej can say anything the ropes jerk, pull back, and suddenly Kaz's blood-slicked grip is not enough to keep him in place: he plummets downwards, his own weight and momentum sending him into the water-

Inej is already diving after him before he even hits the water.

Unfortunately for her, however, there are some things not even the great Inej Ghafa can protect him from…


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: _This fanfiction is not written for profit and no infringement of copyright is intended. Not beta read so all mistakes are mine. This one is quite hard for me to write; getting the tone takes forever and I don't want to cock it up. That said, although there are big gaps between updates I hope people are still enjoying this little slice of MurderBabies In Love…

* * *

**ONE BREATH**

* * *

The water closes over his head just before Kaz drags in a breath.

He gags, coughs, shaking and furious with himself as he tries to focus through the pain- _He's alright, _he tells himself, _he's alright, he's alright, HE'S ALRIGHT- _

_Liar, _a voice in his head sneers and it sounds like Jordie.

For one split second Kaz's mind drags him back into that night so long ago, the first time he nearly died-

_**Enough**__. _

He pushes the memory away, tries to force himself calm. _Losing control is not an option. _The shock of the water's cold hits him, though. Rips at him. His chest tightens further, the water pressing in on him like a pitiless, icy fist and if he doesn't draw breath soon then he knows he'll pass out-

He thinks of the wounds he received from the Khergud and wonders if he's already as good as dead.

Even as the thought occurs to him though he dismisses it. _You're not dead until you're feeding worms, you stupid podge_. So he kicks, tries to fight the current. Tries to move his arms in sleek, strong strokes. But it's desultory. Pathetic. It feels like his body belongs to someone else. He's just too battered and it occurs to him that the only reason his body hasn't entirely shut down is because he's now so cold it can't tell how badly he's injured- _He's floating in an inky cloud his own blood now-_

Water moves behind him then, buffets him. He twists to see Inej swimming towards him in the dark, her eyes calm. Her hair spread like a veil behind her. She pulls him to her. Wraps her arms around him and starts dragging him towards the surface-

_I have you, _he sees her mouth the words, _I have you _and Kaz knows that's the damn truth.

Kicking, calm, she holds him steady. The length of her body against his is should feel soothing but it's not. No, her hands are cold, wet. They press against his bare skin at his throat, at collarbone and no, he thinks, no. _No. __**NO**_. _**Not now. **_

But the reaction is instinctive. Unstoppable. Suddenly he's remembering older hands, dead hands, hands that aren't Inej, hands that aren't his Wraith and again he's in the river, again he's in the dark with Jordie and he's going to die, he's going to die-

_No, _he thinks again and this time he knows he's panicking. _No, no, no, __**NO**__! _

It's like a dam breaks inside him, worse even than that time at the Ice Court. He doesn't want to thrash, he doesn't want to panic but he can't help it: even as they break the surface he tries to pull away, tries to lash out at the person saving him. _He has to escape, even if it's from Inej. _He feels like he's watching his body from outside himself: he digs with his elbows, kicks and jabs and bites. It's all Inej can do to pull him to safety. "It will be ok," she whispers as she drags him onto the sand, "I promise it will be alright..."

"No it bloody won't."

The words are pathetic. Frightened. Instinctive. They burst out of him like blood from a wound. As soon as he's clear of the water he turns tail, skittering on hands and knees like an animal. Getting as far away from her as he can. Trailing blood. Trailing snot and tears. He vomits up sick and water and bile, his face mere inches from the sand. From his own mess. _God, he feels pathetic. _He looks like a, a water monster. A demon. Some ill-made, broken, crooked thing-

"Kaz," Inej says softly. "Kaz."

He turns on her, snarl at the ready but she comes no closer.

She's kneeling on the sand, staring at him, and her eyes are so soft and so lovely that even looking at her hurts. Kaz bites his lip so hard his lip splits, blood trickling down his chin and Inej backs up slightly, hands held before her. Those moonlight dark eyes are calm, beautiful. Gentle. "Ok," she says, "ok," and Kaz finds that bewildering.

He shivers in the freezing air but he doesn't move towards her.

He can hear both their breathing, loud and ridiculous in the quietness of the evening: It feels like he's staring at her from across an abyss.

"I'm going to get some bandages," she says quietly then. "We've got medical supplies on The Wraith- I'll just swim out to get them, alright? Then we'll get you looked at."

And she stands. Makes for the water. She comes no nearer towards him and for that he is grateful- Grateful, and disgusted with himself for it. He stares after her, stupid with confusion and though he understands her words he can't- _Why is she being so calm when it feels like the sky is falling in? _The thought feels wrong. Disjointed. Not his. It belongs to a little boy who has just lost his brother. He stares at his hands and realises that his fingers are curled into his palms so hard that it's only the leather which is preventing them from cutting the skin. From making him bleed some more.

_Ghezen, _he thinks. _Ghezen I hate these gloves. _

And yet…

Slowly, slowly, with infinite stubbornness, he forces his fingers to straighten, to stretch out.

Slowly, slowly, with infinite stubbornness, he presses his hands, palms down, onto his knees.

He orders himself to concentrate on the feeling of his flesh, encased in leather and brine and the inky, bloody damp he's just been pulled from.

_This is all there is, _he tells himself. _This is all you have. _

A beat_. _

He closes his eyes, tries to steady himself and as he does he sways. Once. Twice. He keels over and lands in the sand, breathing shallowly. Hollowly. Thankfully the ground is too soft to crack his skull on. His eyes stare up at the darkening sky. His body is aching and his heart feels like it's going to claw its way out of his chest and everything is wrong, wrong, everything is wrong…

That's how Inej finds him.

Keeled over.

Pathetic.

Raging.

He's not even sure if he's still bleeding.

That isn't how she lets him stay, though- But then, it never is.

* * *

The first thing she does is build a fire.

It's small, unobtrusive, but she feeds it with dried grass and brush and eventually it settles down. Starts spitting sparks and heat. Then she lays out her clothes in front of it to dry as well as the oilskin sack she brought back from her ship. From that she produces dry clothes. Towels. Ointments and bandages and some food.

She sets everything out before her, careful and practical as ever and then dries herself. Changes her clothes.

Once she's finished she tells Kaz it's his turn.

She needs to check his injuries and he can't sit there all night, shivering in the dark so she needs him to take his clothes off.

Kaz blinks at her, surprised, and he notes that Inej's cheeks look slightly darkened but that might be a trick of the light. "I can look away, if you'd like," she adds and he feels the oddest spark of… irritation, that she thinks he would require that from her.

_He's not some mercher maiden on his wedding night,_ he scoffs.

Perhaps his reaction shows on his face because she shrugs. Pulls the oilskin bag towards her and starts searching through it some more. The message is obvious: suit yourself. The redness- the blush- at her cheeks hasn't dissipated, however.

In some dark, secret place Kaz knows that he can match her.

Slowly, with as much dignity as he can muster, Kaz pulls off his shoes. His socks. He wrangles open the buttons on his pants and manages to pull them down his hips and legs, then sets about pulling off what remains of his waistcoat and shirt. The metal lining he's taken to having sewn inside his clothes had probably saved his life tonight, he muses. It prevented the Khergud from getting her claws into him too deeply. Still, he hisses as he works off the shirt, the congealed blood around his wounds peeling away and opening his cuts again-

"Here." She's beside him suddenly, in that Wraith-like way she has.

It's the first time in a long time that he didn't hear her coming.

She hands him one of the pots of ointment and some bandages; Kaz also spies a needle and thread in an opened pouch on the ground. Grimacing, he shifts. Shows her the long, painful lacerations which the Khergud inflicted on him. He really hopes they're not going to need stitches but he wouldn't put any coin on it-

"They're not as bad as I imagined."

Inej's words sound matter of fact but he hears something underneath them. Something warming. Something confusing.

As he had earlier, he flexes his hands inside his gloves.

_This, _he reminds himself harshly. _This is all there is. _

And yet, he can't bring himself to believe it. Not with her.

"I'd going to have take a look at your ribs," she says softly. "I- Would you mind if I do that?"

The question is ridiculous, unnecessary. In the past they've both patched one another up without any of this tentative nonsense, Kaz tells himself. And yet-

"Yes," he says, voice gruff. "Please," he adds, voice gruffer, because that seems necessary right now. As he says the words he shivers and to his surprise Inej reaches over the the side. Snags a clean, dry towel and hands it to him. He tries to take it and then winces, annoyed at the pain in his side. Inej, with more of that soothing matter-of-factness of hers, takes the towel from him and starts tousling his wet hair, getting rid of the worst of the water. She then dries off his neck, his back and shoulders. His legs, below the knee. His feet, his toes.

Neither of them say anything but Kaz is painfully aware of how red both their faces are.

He is also very grateful for how little light the fire throws, considering the way certain parts of his body are reacting to having her near.

When she comes to his injured side she pauses. Looks at him again. He gives a tiny nod and she gently wipes the worst of the blood away before rising. Going to her bag and producing a spare pair of dark pants and a rough-spun grey and black striped shirt. She hands them to him and (with a quick drying off of his hips, belly and thighs) he slips the pants quickly on. Takes a deep breath, grateful for the heat of the fabric. That done, Inej takes the tub of ointment she gave him and lathers his wounds thickly with it. Her hands are gentle but insistent. Thorough.

It's so painful that he can't help hissing at it.

"Disinfectant," she says. A small smile. "Rhi, my bosun, makes it. She claims it can strip paint from a wall or infection from a wound-"

Kaz grunts. "I believe her."

Nevertheless he finds himself grateful for the pain in his side if the wound is being cleaned. He even smiles a little at Inej, for the first time since this began. She matches it, meeting his gaze, and then slowly, carefully reaching up to brush his hair from his face. "Ok?" She asks and though he's not sure precisely what she's asking he nods. Gulps. This close he can feel her heat. Her solid, comforting thereness. Her Inejness- Which is ridiculous because _Inejness _is not a word-

"I don't like being touched." He blurts the words.

She stills, looks at him. "I know that," she says quietly. A breath, eyes on him. "Would you like me to move away?"

"Please." He nods, the same answer he always gives but when she tries to move away he grabs her sleeve. Halts her. Leans into her, his lips mere inches from her throat. Her shoulder. Her scent rises there, sweet and wild and hers, and for a moment Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrell, Dirthands himself, genuinely hasn't a notion what to do.

_He has absolutely no idea how to manage not knowing what to do. _

"Kaz..?" She says softly and he doesn't answer. He just shifts so that his thigh is now pressed, warm and firm, against hers. So that now their bodies are mere inches apart.

"Inej," he says softly, "Inej…"

And he takes a deep breath. Reaches out. Letting go of Inej's sleeve he skims one gloved hand up the length of her arm, to her hair. He feels the heat of her nape even through the leather of his gloves. His fingers stray, coax, even as with his other hand he takes on long, wet tress of her hair. Brings it to his lips. He kisses it and it should feel ridiculous. It should feel asinine and ordinary and dumb, but it doesn't.

No, it feels perfect.

Slowly, hesitantly, he raises his eyes to look at her. Her lashes are sooty and dark, her eyes widened: when she meets his gaze they both feel a jolt. Longing unwinds inside Kaz, a wanting that's odd and gentle and infuriatingly, wonderfully guileless…

"Inej," he murmurs, and then he's leant forward. His lips are on hers.

He feels heat, pleasure, a grenade-spark of joy which he knows can't last much longer-

Fortunately (or unfortunately) however, what stops them isn't his fear of touch, it's the sound of a cart and the yells of an approaching driver. "Off," a voice yells in the darkness, "off, you Suli scum! This is my land, you're not staying here!"

And then the peace of the night is pierces by swearing, thrown sticks and the appearance of an old and apparently suicidal (according to Kaz) farmer.

He's so distracted by the sight that neither he nor Inej hear the bell tolling in Ketterdam Harbour, nor know what news they tell.


End file.
